Undoubtedly, some wounds "elude" time.

“I’ll make you proud Ella; you, Joan, Beckie, David, mum, dad and everyone else. I will make it in life. That’s my promise!”

If I had known that this would be our very last heart-to-heart, I wouldn’t have left your side even for a single second. If I had known that those would be the last words from you to me my precious; I would never have let you leave home that fateful night. If only you had confided in me. If only I had envisioned this misfortune! If only.........

These ifs, et al have tormented me to my wits end over the years. However, the discernment that I’m simply human; subject to the decrees of the Most high i.e. He opted for exclusivity over several extremely significant life details; has been my only solace to justify my incapacity to avert what befell you my beloved. 

In my sleepless solitude last night, I couldn’t get you off my mind; probably attributable to the fact that yet another Christmas without you is fast-approaching. In my musing, I silently quizzed God chiefly on why He had to take you when I needed you the most. You and I were always close; you were my preferred and most cherished (I feel guilty about this though), confidant, safety; even when all and sundry did not appreciate you. It goes without saying that the void you left in my heart and life will prevail for eternity. And to say how much I miss you, I could never find a way.

Try as I may, comprehending and resigning myself to the fact that you left indefinitely evades me. Opposed to the old adage of “time heals all wounds”, thinking about you only gets more agonizing; even after over 6 years since you went away!!!

We had come to terms with the possibility that the close to one year you spent admitted at Mulago Hospital would claim your life; you were only 3years old back then when you endured so much pain and suffering. But by God’s grace, you beat all odds and "rode out" the hungry claws of death.

Why you had to depart at precisely the point when you were starting to appreciate life is puzzling. At 17 years you were already an extremely studious young man and we (you and I) had made a lot of plans; which plans were never to be accomplished sadly. Oh how you had blossomed into an overly hunky boy I absolutely adored! 

My dearly departed, you didn’t even say goodbye; watching you drift away during that agonizing week after your accident is an image I can never erase from my psyche. I wish you had been able to at least talk to me. Perhaps I would have been able to help ease the pain. I would have sung some of those old school hits you always loved and bobbed to; if only you said something!

In the dark of the night, I could vividly make out your face this time round; almost felt like I could reach out and feel you. You were everywhere; staring at me; smiling. I feel you’re in a much better place now. 

I pledge to move on; I will stick it out on account of that grin; for i surmise that it must have been a pointer that you’re okay. I’ll return your photos to my album, replace those beautiful art pieces on the walls, retrieve "our" music from where I had it concealed, don that really cool T-shirt you gave me on my graduation day; what's more, desist from repelling your genus. I see you in each one of them and the notion that they would eventually leave as well halts me from letting any in. I promise to work at that too.  After all;

"Grief never ends...but it changes. It is a passage, not a place to stay. It is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love"

Henceforth, I guarantee that your memory will cease to engender despondency. Owing to the conviction that you're with the angels above, reminisces of you will only be with glee. 

I miss you Derrick; will do for eternity.

Till we meet again, Rest in Peace little brother.

Smile and give thanks...you're in a much better place

Hail Mary full of grace, the Lord is with you

Blessed are you among women

And blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus

Holy Mary Mother of God

Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen

Hail Mary full of grace......

And the hushed plea went on and on and on with all the zeal and fortitude i could master regarding the circumstances. I frequently made the sign of the cross and clutched onto my rosary like my life depended on it. Oh well it did at that moment. After all, isn’t God the ultimate panacea in crunch?

It was such a tempestuous rain and being caught in the middle of nowhere at its onset is by far the creepiest incident I’ve been subjected to in ages.

I can’t say I'm an “uptown girl”, but there are events I'm just not accustomed to; such as standing for lengthy periods, being soaked by rain et al.  With palpitations and my legs hurting so badly I thought I would pass out. I was shaking like a leaf from the cold with teeth chattering loudly. Furthermore, with each lightning and rumbling episode, I screamed "mummy" akin to a toddler. I was such a sight to behold!

The lady and two bikers with me at the overhang of the building we used as shelter kept laughing and saying I’m a spoiled brat. I am not spoiled; neither am I a brat. Such luxury is for rich kids. I’m just not used to some conditions; am only human after all.

For a moment, i mused on all the wrongs i had done; supposing that God was obviously punishing me for my transgressions hitherto. I mean, why else would He opt to send a downpour precisely when i was in town with no umbrella, sweater and far from sufficient shelter?

Now, i envisage the destitute children who experience such horrors night and day without any way out. These little souls endure so much! 

In the event that it rains, they get sodden time and again and have no change of clothes or an aspirin to bring down the fevers that may ensue.  Envision sleeping in the same drenched garments on an equally damp surface! My heart bleeds for them.

I have since done some soul searching alongside musing and realized that am deeply favored by God. Yes i was in a bad situation but i was none the worse for the weather. I mean, i have a home to go to,had a warm bath, neat change of clothes, cup of hot chocolate and a cozy bed to retire to after all; which things may seem trivial to those of us fortunate enough to access and enjoy them; but are a luxury to the multitudes of little innocent souls roaming aimlessly and helplessly on the streets.This comprehension humbled me a great deal!

In the wake of this ordeal, I have learned to appreciate and embrace life and all the heavenly mercies bestowed upon me. I guess adversities have a way of "shaking" and "shaping" us up a tad!

On the flip side however, i had some fun amidst all the hideous emotions caused by the storm ha ha ha. See, from where we were waiting on the rain to cease, we could visibly observe the happenings on the road. It had been flooded and vehicles had a rough time going through. It was an overly hilarious sight; with drivers wriggling to beat the floods, swaying left to right, back and forth. So i took out my phone and started taking photos and recording these scenarios, taking a mental note of who "the boys were from the men" and awarding marks as well. This made my wait less painful.

Those 2 guys...hahaha

Life's ironies!

Nostalgia for the "sanity" that was......

During the springtime of my life, a smile was purely owing to feel-good moments; someone was truly fond of you and delighted to be in your company; a friend was happy that you finally met someone special, your career is great et al i.e. it was a heart smile.

Lately however, I’ve been abridged to a paranoid adult who thinks the worst of smiles for the reason that there’s too much phoniness.  Authentic affairs with unadulterated intentions are few and far between.

The contriving and self-obsession in recent times is disquieting; people seem to constantly be up to no good but shenanigans and are insensitive to the fact that they distress others in their bid to gratify their cravings.

It is now commonplace for foes to strike one as being fast friends. I'm lured to inquire why one would endure such a bogus relationship. I mean, from personal experience, my conviction is that feigned emotions are much more draining than bona fide ones. 

Apparently people have a preference for the former and I’m inclined to presume that there’s always an ax to grind! Hence the subjection to these negative feelings lest they fall short of achieving their egocentric aspirations.

Owing to the fact that I suck at initiating companionship, I’ve been overly credulous I must confess. Consequently, when someone aspires to buddy up with me, am excessively hasty to let them. This has undoubtedly gotten me into a great deal of snags.

Of late, friends are circumstantial; they vanish during bumpy rides and lodge for no more than it is beneficial to them.

Envisage this: the relationship you’ve nurtured all this while was just an avocation of sorts for the other party; a supposed best friend is your nemesis! The realization is horrendous and disheartening. Sadly, you catch on only when you’re already cozy and consequently susceptible to affliction.

A colleague once asserted that oftentimes we expose ourselves to this “fake people phenomenon”. Pursuant to him, it is very easy to tell if one is genuine or not because he’s very cautious with his social relations. I vehemently contended that people mastered the art of faking everything it seems so real to the duped. It is really hard, even impossible to ascertain and or distinguish between the false and real acquaintances. You would have to be psychic!

Needless to say, the atrociousness exhibited in this day and age is like a "well scripted" and acted out horror movie. 

I yearn for the virtuousness and realness I relished during my young days. The world was a much better place back then when all my peers and I knew was love. True untainted love at that! Oh how I miss the innocence!

Providentially, I recently got an epiphany of sorts; acumen to try and safeguard me against this facade of benevolent beings. Clearly, it was long overdue. However, like I always say, life is an incessant homeroom; if one is enthusiastic enough, they can never miss the boat in discovering novel and valuable gen.

Till I scribble again, prudence in your regular dealings will come in handy. We can only try!

Unrequited...nevertheless unwavered

It is commonplace that we are and stay attracted to people that are either fond of us already or display evocative tokens. It's sheer bliss having someone cherish you in spite of all your flaws; one who makes even the most trivial of details about you seem pertinent.

Oftentimes we develop the Cinderella complex i.e. an unconscious desire to be “nurtured” by others; for instance depending on their approval and attention to feel special and whole. 

We are intrigued by people who unreservedly proffer themselves to us even in their bad days. They, regardless of whatever circumstance are right there for/with us and consequently overly appreciate our presence in their lives. It is only spontaneous!

This person is an out and out best! And being blessed by a reciprocated love is an occasional but blissful experience. Something you and i would give anything to have and hold onto eternally.

Now, envisage a situation where the only person who overly piques your interest is precisely the one who doesn’t measure up to this. The one who least cares about you but still arouses the deepest and most intense of emotions.

Regardless of their apparent indifference, you are hooked mind, body and soul. Try as you may, shutting them out is a mission as impossible as fathoming God’s ways.

In your sleepless solitude during the dead of the night, they reside in your mind. An array of thoughts crowds your memory and you wish you were in their arms or merely in their presence at that precise moment.

You try to initiate a whatsapp conversation as they are evidently online. Truthfully, you have nothing vital to say, but chatting with them is always a heartwarming experience for you. Even if they take forever to respond, you keep waiting indulgently in anticipation of a reply. You keep watch of that light at the apex of your phone to signal its arrival and your heart somersaults when it finally does. 

You are insensitive to the fact that you initiate almost all the conversations. Notwithstanding the reality that if you took a whole day without starting one, they won’t try to reach you; but it gives you great satisfaction that they are always there when you seek them out; they will "stay" for us long as you keep in touch.

Ironically, there are people enduring emotions akin to these and wishing you could only accord them the same attention you so generously offer and desperately yearn for from your “unresponsive one”. However these "others" just leave you cold!

You opt to hang tough on this; withstand this web of undesired consuming emotions rather than take to heart people seemingly engrossed in you. 

You are disposed to change for this person; become what they would want you to be. Incidentally, they haven’t even asked for any of this. *I'm utterly mystified by this*

A plain subconscious compliment about something equally simple gets you smiling throughout the day followed by a pleasant dreams’ filled night with a sense of perilous longing.

Every so often you are drained due to investing all these feelings in this quite evidently wrong person but you are helpless. The situation is inexorable because you just don’t know how to not care about them. You only succeed at halting contact for a few agonizingly long days and voila...you resume from precisely where you stopped and this time the emotions are almost overflowing. 

You are keen to linger over this in anticipation of them ultimately relenting. You feel that if you gave someone else a chance, it would be impertinent. You want to keep loyal to the illusion that someday they will eventually reciprocate. Consequently all attempts by other people winning you over are futile. You are waiting for your one! 

Occasionally things get overwhelming and you subconsciously loathe this person for arousing such strange emotions. In actuality though, they certainly did not really bargain for any of this. You are solely accountable for this woe.

However, like Elle Newmark said in The Book of Unholy Mischief....

“...unrequited love does not die; it's only beaten down to a secret place where it hides, curled and wounded. For some unfortunates, it turns bitter and mean, and those who come after pay the price for the hurt done by the one who came before.” 

A number of queries linger on my mind;

• Is this usual? 
• If so, how does one deal with this really complicated situation?
• What exactly is this? Love, an infatuation or an obsession? 
• Does it eventually die?

Nonetheless, amidst all this bewilderment, i know for certain that;

•  To the wrong person you’ll never have any worth but to the right one, you mean everything.
•  It is the most outlandish people that kindle such profound sentiments in us and we just can’t elucidate why. 
•  If you can’t be with one you love, learn to love the one you’re with.
•  Unrequited love is a really complicated and emotionally draining place to be.  Mentally, it is overly damaging.

Notwithstanding these facts, we often find ourselves wrapped in this not-so-cool situation. Such an enigma!

  Whoever comprehends the heart’s ways!!!!

Loyalty, discontent and first times....

Being the law abiding and patriotic citizen i am, i finally went to get the National ID Registration done yesterday. As a girl with etiquette, i sent the Human Resource Officer and General Manager an email requesting to have the afternoon off which was granted since it was for a very good cause. Nevertheless, i was in trouble with my immediate supervisor; i forgot to copy her in this email. Texting later to notify her about the subject was no remedy; she was already set on being mad at me!  I had left office in my haste to beat the crowds and thought a message would suffice.

Much to my surprise, the registration venue was not as crowded as would be expected on a weekend when most working people find some time to spare. I was reliably informed by the officials carrying out the exercise that it hasn’t been any different since its onset over 2 months ago regardless of the day of the week. Masses have not shown much zeal towards the whole exercise.

Does this go to show that Ugandans have lost faith and/or stopped attaching any significance to government projects? Was the mass sensitization and mobilization sufficient? These and so many others were some of the questions the applicants were pondering about. 

As is the procedure, one is required to present identification, get the form and after filling present it to an official for verification. At this particular venue, this decelerated the process a whole lot because the person assigned this task was an elderly feeble man with poor eye sight who instead of helping verify the forms as expected, was blissfully chit-chatting with applicants on their clans and why some Kingdoms don’t have them. I learned later that he is the LC 1 Chairman of the village!!!

Truth be told, the verification process here was a total waste of time. You only had to crack some jokes for the old man about your name, village and clan and you would be given a go ahead to have your form signed by the Parish chief. 

Fascinatingly, the official at this desk just automatically placed his signature on whatever form the old man deemed fit for signing! I observed in awe!

There was an expectant lady evidently weary from walking to the venue and seemingly helpless but determined to get the exercise done. Being the compassionate person i am, i requested the guy seated next to the Parish Chief to kindly offer her that seat for a short while since standing for long is by no means good for any woman in that condition. The words that came out of the Chief’s mouth left me thunderstruck; “Tone it down, you are speaking to a Police Officer and you can be arrested for inciting violence”. Like really??? Are some people that clueless and not afraid to exhibit their ignorance? Dude, the word police ceased to intimidate anyone AIA (After Idd Amin)! 

Thank heavens the Officer didn’t share the same sentiments as this deluded guy. He soothingly sat the lady on his chair and applauded me for being a commendable citizen. I had my “5 minutes of fame” there as all and sundry gave me a standing ovation!

The data entry point was the most exasperating. First off, my village does not exist in the system. Furthermore, they had to falsify a profession for me since holders of Bachelor of Arts in Social Sciences do not have a specific one. So as it is now, i am a Procurement Officer according to National ID registration standards! The official serenely informed me that if we didn’t lie, the system would be ineffective. Beat that!

But oh well, that is Uganda for you! I mean if a government teacher can go 14 years without salary while certain officials bag a freaking 95m monthly, then anything in this beautiful country goes.

My mission was accomplished though. I got myself registered for the National ID! I am that loyal to my country, regardless! 

Besides, not all was frustrating. Like they say “some good always comes out of bad”.  There was this hot looking dude who from the instant i sat on a tree branch to fill my application was seriously making eyes at me and grinning the whole time. Gee whiz he has the cutest smile I’ve ever seen; it was impossible to not smile back.

He got the registration done way before i did but amazingly he had been waiting for me in his car by the roadside. 

We had lunch at the nearest “fast foods”, exchanged contacts and are in touch now...!

.....to be continued

A tribute to a once special someone...lessons drawn

My nose hehehe

........someone mentions cute nose in a random comment and recollections of how you would always tease me about “our” kids inheriting my “ugly” nose flood my mind. I can’t help but smile this time. 

For a moment my mind wanders...far-off the Germany Vs Argentina world cup final...yes am set out to watch the whole match this once. But now, can’t shake the desire to scribble something about/for you.

My smile develops into a chuckle because i just reminisced about how you would call from the hills somewhere just to sing for me. It was always a chorus of the same local song that you love so much. You may not have the best voice but it was special! Whenever that call came through, i would vanish from my desk like a teenager in her haste to speak to a first love. The knowledge that it was also a song for you and my best friend didn’t change how i felt each time you sang it to me. YOU SANG IT TO ME!!!

Oh no.....i hate this part right here.....offside? Thought it was a legit goal! What went wrong? What does it mean when the line’s man cancels a goal like that? I realize i still have a very long way to go to catch up on this sport. Am that clueless!

My dear once special one, you said i was the reason we couldn’t work out; that i would say one thing but do another; i never learned to choose; i put too much brain in love. Thinking things out like a chess game. Creating scenarios; playing them out and in the process suffocating love's artistic nature. 

But frankly, i did not find reason enough to transform; to show how i truly felt about you. You just never gave me any motive to. As the saying goes “it takes two to tangle...”.

The closest you ever got to “saying anything” was “You are not the most beautiful girl; you don’t have a butt so big; you may not smile so good; but still, here we are Ella. That must mean something.....right?” Yes, having you in my life meant something...actually alot. You stuck around even when i was horrendous and indistinct about “us”. You stayed! 

It’s crazy how i would drive you to the edge with my obstinacy. “Ella you know it irks me when you opt to text about important things....”our” things which should be talked about face-to-face...”. I would then apologise but do it again anyway. And then out of exasperation you would go like “oh boy...!”. But you were there still. Even when you said i was a schemer and all..even when i rejected you several times, you stayed!

If only you talked to me; met me half way! But with you it always had to be me expressing myself and all.

Phew! Mario Gotze finally sets the bar. Germany 1: Argentina 0. Match has been so exasperating!

Goodlyfe’s  ballad Ekyaama (our hills/calls' song) chooses to resonate now of all times from the Health Club opposite my place! Hmmm...seems like even God wants me to keep missing you! 

In the recent past, thinking about you, missing you and anything linked to you would only bring me pain, sadness and an assortment of negative sentiments. But now, it all comes with a grin of contentment. I savour every thought! Even with the realisation that what we had meant little or zilch to you, i still smile. “We” existed, doesn’t matter what you make the world believe. You are enigmatic like that! 

One of my all-time favourite ballads plays on Radio One “.....i will give anything...and everything to fall in love...just this one time, i would like to find, what i’ve been dreaming of....” (RIP Gerald Levert) and am thinking to myself...i hoped i had found this in you! 

But oh well, like you always said, we live and learn! I have since chosen to regard “us” as a lesson well deserved/learned.

The Human Resource Officer at my workplace every daybreak sends to all our emails an inspirational piece and today’s just spoke right to my heart. I thought i would share with everyone out there.

 

Here goes, 

“There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go!

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person; it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's parts in your story are over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when they are “dead”.

You've got to know when it's over; 'cause whatever God means for you to have He'll give it to you. And if it takes too much sweat you don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. 

Let them go!!”

So my precious, thanks for the time we spent together. It may not have been that long but i will always cherish “our moments”. You may have selective amnesia and as such not remember, but “we” existed! And you can be really sweet when you want to. I loved every waking moment of it all. Thank you!

I hope life treats you kind. I wish you lots of joy and happiness. And i hope and pray that you achieve all your heart’s desires. But above all this, i wish you love (I know i sound like Whitney Houston right now; may her soul RIP...but these are the exact words i want to say to you...hehehe)

Goodbye my beloved.

                                                                                                      

*Wait a second, any more goals??? Damn...totally forgot about the match!*