Undoubtedly, some wounds "elude" time.

“I’ll make you proud Ella; you, Joan, Beckie, David, mum, dad and everyone else. I will make it in life. That’s my promise!”

If I had known that this would be our very last heart-to-heart, I wouldn’t have left your side even for a single second. If I had known that those would be the last words from you to me my precious; I would never have let you leave home that fateful night. If only you had confided in me. If only I had envisioned this misfortune! If only.........

These ifs, et al have tormented me to my wits end over the years. However, the discernment that I’m simply human; subject to the decrees of the Most high i.e. He opted for exclusivity over several extremely significant life details; has been my only solace to justify my incapacity to avert what befell you my beloved. 

In my sleepless solitude last night, I couldn’t get you off my mind; probably attributable to the fact that yet another Christmas without you is fast-approaching. In my musing, I silently quizzed God chiefly on why He had to take you when I needed you the most. You and I were always close; you were my preferred and most cherished (I feel guilty about this though), confidant, safety; even when all and sundry did not appreciate you. It goes without saying that the void you left in my heart and life will prevail for eternity. And to say how much I miss you, I could never find a way.

Try as I may, comprehending and resigning myself to the fact that you left indefinitely evades me. Opposed to the old adage of “time heals all wounds”, thinking about you only gets more agonizing; even after over 6 years since you went away!!!

We had come to terms with the possibility that the close to one year you spent admitted at Mulago Hospital would claim your life; you were only 3years old back then when you endured so much pain and suffering. But by God’s grace, you beat all odds and "rode out" the hungry claws of death.

Why you had to depart at precisely the point when you were starting to appreciate life is puzzling. At 17 years you were already an extremely studious young man and we (you and I) had made a lot of plans; which plans were never to be accomplished sadly. Oh how you had blossomed into an overly hunky boy I absolutely adored! 

My dearly departed, you didn’t even say goodbye; watching you drift away during that agonizing week after your accident is an image I can never erase from my psyche. I wish you had been able to at least talk to me. Perhaps I would have been able to help ease the pain. I would have sung some of those old school hits you always loved and bobbed to; if only you said something!

In the dark of the night, I could vividly make out your face this time round; almost felt like I could reach out and feel you. You were everywhere; staring at me; smiling. I feel you’re in a much better place now. 

I pledge to move on; I will stick it out on account of that grin; for i surmise that it must have been a pointer that you’re okay. I’ll return your photos to my album, replace those beautiful art pieces on the walls, retrieve "our" music from where I had it concealed, don that really cool T-shirt you gave me on my graduation day; what's more, desist from repelling your genus. I see you in each one of them and the notion that they would eventually leave as well halts me from letting any in. I promise to work at that too.  After all;

"Grief never ends...but it changes. It is a passage, not a place to stay. It is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love"

Henceforth, I guarantee that your memory will cease to engender despondency. Owing to the conviction that you're with the angels above, reminisces of you will only be with glee. 

I miss you Derrick; will do for eternity.

Till we meet again, Rest in Peace little brother.