Perchance even I need somebody

"Cuddling" my pillow was to no avail

Under the weather, insomnia coupled with a roller-coaster of emotions; what a night! For once in an eon I was nostalgic for companionship; craved for someone to knead the kink around the small of my back, give me a tepid sponging and/or just be there.

Owing to the fact that I’m forever pinning my ears back to music, it’s not odd that song titles and lyrics feature profoundly in my musings. Consequently, “You might need somebody”; yet another mellow ballad by Shola Ama sprung to mind; particularly the lines below echoing right through my soul;

 ‘Cause everybody needs someone around

Things could tumble down on you

You'll discover when you look around
you don't have to be alone

Just one lover is all you need to know
when you're feeling all alone...

However, the contemplation was discarded just as swiftly as it had racked my brain by virtue of the fact that I’ve always held my own. Or have I? *second-guessed myself for a bat of an eye*

This fleeting introspection evoked reminiscences of a lunch-break tête-à-tête at office one dreary afternoon in the course of which a colleague called me selfish.  I had just intimated that am such a loner in respect to her query about why I'm single among other things about my social life. She had the opinion that my solitude and adamancy as regards camaraderie tantamount to that. She did have a valid point though seeing as letting people in gets me feeling smothered.

I’m an unfeigned hermit; so much so that I literally repel likely suitors. Beat that! The last person I tried to date was an incredible being and precisely my ideal man. Never had I met anyone with all the attributes I cast about for in a guy i.e. astute, industrious, empathetic, thoughtful and most notably, forbearing. *I can occasionally be a piece of work!*

Envisage a scenario where you seek the company of someone who is always either brooding or giving you a cold shoulder for absolutely no apparent basis. I'm quite certain that no one would want to hang around such. Nevertheless, this man was simply exceptional for he lingered, regardless. I had to salvage his soul by eventually flying the coop. It was the optimal choice.

Needless to say, I suck at this relating game and consequently, maintaining such relations if ever they endure through my elusiveness and flourish. It is this self-consciousness that has me evasive and alas, many a time labeled an egotistical little bitch.

Well, back to my nocturnal ordeal, repression has always been my escape in such situations.  Last night however, I was beside myself with such pining that all my efforts were frustrated. Perhaps, by virtue of the fact that I had turned off my bedside lamp since it had been flickering?  Darkness plays tricks with my mind and subsequently, renders me feeble.   

It goes without saying that it was an ice cube’s chance in hell trying to master my emotions; so much so that I resigned myself to the ride i.e. let them linger. I became conscious of the fact that it was a catastrophe of sorts when playing my favorite genre of music and staring at the stars by the piazza didn’t quite cut it too.

I stopped short of seeking out the one lad I always hanker for during such forlorn times. The only one I would rather consign to oblivion. *a tale for another day*

Perhaps I do need somebody.....